Tuesday, October 28, 2008


What films we see on HCC are largely determined by the votes in the queue. In a bid to familiarize people more with what the queue has to offer, we're starting a new feature here at Shablorp - the condescendingly titled, Your Queue and You.

What this will do is give completely original and new descriptions (and by that, I mean cribbed either from the liner notes or IMDB) to all the stuff in the queue. Now, there's hundreds of items in there so we're only going to be doing a little bit at a time. Hopefully, by the time its done, you'll have something as useless (or do I mean "indispensable?") as you could want in order to give you a detailed rundown of everything in the queue.

We're going to start with the movies. Specifically, going A to D first. So, let's get started.

The Director Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Star Slammer, Attack of the 60 Ft. Centerfold)
The Stars Jan-Michael Vincent (Airwolf, The World's Greatest Athlete), John Phillip Law (Barbarella, Danger: Diabolik), Ross Hagen (The Hellcats, The Sidehackers, Angels' Wild Women), Teagan (Vice Academy Part 2), Dyama Ortelli (Three Amigos, American Me, Lizzie Maguire), Dawn Wildsmith (Surf Nazis Must Die, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), Jesse Dabson (Death Wish 4: the Crackdown, Deep Space), P.J. Soles (Carrie, Halloween, Rock n Roll High School), Robert Clarke (The Hideous Sun Demon), Robert Quarry (Count Yorga Vampire)
The Plot Interstellar super-criminal Kol (Ross Hagen) escapes his spaceship prison and flees to Earth. The Commander (Jan-Michael Vincent) sends the Alienator (Teagan) to bring him to justice. Kol holes up with some unsuspecting teens as the Alienator destroys everything in its path in order to get Kol once and for all.
Fun Fact 1: The space prison exterior is stock footage of Moonbase from Space: 1999
Fun Fact 2: Teagan also played a robotic weapon of mass destruction in Rick Sloane's Vice Academy Part 2 the same year.
Fun Fact 3: This according to director Fred Olen Ray speaking to Bad Movies.Org - "
On Alienator, we accidentally set no less than five people on fire in a single day, including Dan Golden, who really burst into flames!"

The Director Alan Smithee
The Stars Eric Idle, Whoopi Goldberg, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, Chuck D., Coolio, Ryan O'Neil (Love Story), Richard Jeni, Sandra Bernhard (Hudson Hawk, The King of Comedy), Jackie Stephenson (The General's Daughter, Unbreakable), MC Lyte, Harvey Weinstein, Robert Shapiro, Joe Eszterhas, Larry King, Billy Bob Thornton, Billy Barty
The Plot A director makes an action film starring Whoopi Goldberg, Sylvester Stallone and Jackie Chan. The director is unfortunately given no input to the final product as the studio heads and other parties insist on making their own changes.. When the final film turns out to be horrible, the director would like to take his name off of it. Unfortunately, his name already happens to be Alan Smithee, the DGA-approved name for directors who don't want to take credit for their work. Not seeing a way out, Smithee steals the prints of the film and becomes notorious. Filled with lots of celebrity cameos.
Fun Fact 1: The director credit on this film isn't an in-joke but wonderful irony. After the film was re-cut by Joe Eszterhas, original director Arthur Hiller (Love Story, Silver Streak) removed his name from the project. Hence, the film actually being credited to Alan Smithee. Seeing this statement as just being too damn perfect, the DGA dissolved the Smithee practice following this film. Hence, no more Alan Smithee films.

THE APPLE (1980)
The Director Menahem Golan (Enter the Ninja, The Delta Force, Over the Top)
The Stars Catherine Mary Stewart (The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet, Weekend At Bernie's), George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy, Alan Love (Gregory's Girl), Joss Ackland (Lethal Weapon 2, The Hunt for Red October, The Mighty Ducks), Vladek Sheybal (From Russia With Love, Shogun, Red Dawn), George S. Clinton, Francesca Poston
The Plot A sci-fi disco rock musical - hey, where are you going?!? Uses the skeleton of the Adam and Eve story with shades of A Star Is Born thrown in for good measure. In the year 1994, two pop-singing youths from Moose Jaw, Canada decide to enter an international talent contest. They are beaten by the rock stars backed by Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal). No worries, Mr. Boogalow sees a great talent in them. Unfortunately, the world of rock n roll begins to corrupt them and they see how nefarious Mr. Boogalow is - namely that he's, you know... Satan.
Fun Fact 1: Manahem Golan was one half of the Golan-Globus team that ran the Cannon Group for many years. Golan has directed nearly fifty films, an produced well over 200.
Fun Fact 2: George S. Clinton is known more for his jazzy musical scores.
Fun Fact 3: This according to the IMDB: "Reportedly, during its premiere at the Paramount Theater in Hollywood, audiences threw their free souvenir soundtracks at the screen, causing extensive damage." Oh dear.

BASKET CASE 2 (1990)
The Director Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case, Brain Damage, Frankenhooker)
The Stars Kevin Van Hentenryck (Basket Case), Annie Ross (Superman III, Pump Up the Volume), Heather Rattray (Across the Great Divide), Katherine Meisele, Jason Evers (The Brain That Wouldn't Die, Escape from the Planet of the Apes), Ted Sorel (From Beyond), David Emge (1978's Dawn of the Dead)
The Plot The original Basket Case introduced us to reclusive Duane and and his brother Belial, a lumpy mass that is still very much alive after being forcibly removed by a bunch of doctors who later wound up dead that Duane and Belial's hands. In the sequel, Duane and Belial somehow survive and find shelter with a Granny Ruth (Annie Ross) and her collection of similarly-afflicted freaks. When sleazy tabloid journalists try to expose and exploit the group, Duane, Belial and his new friends take bloody vengeance.
Fun Fact: After a number of memorable and unique exploitation films, Frank Henenlotter seemed to retire from feature filmmaking. Instead, he was responsible for issuing much of the output from Something Weird Video. He has only recently re-entered the filmmaking world. His Bad Biology got rave reviews and a few soiled outfits at the latest Fantasia Film Festival.

The Director Nancy Walker
The Stars The Village People, Steve Guttenberg (Police Academy 1-4, Short Circuit, Cocoon), Valerie Perrine (Superman I-II, Slaughterhouse Five, The Electric Horseman), Bruce Jenner, Paul Sand (St. Elsewhere), Tammy Grimes (The Last Unicorn, High Art), June Havoc (Gentleman's Agreement, 1945's Brewster's Millions), Barbara Rush (When Worlds Collide, It Came from Outer Space, The Young Philadelphians)
The Plot Yes, the Village People made a movie. Not just any movie, however. Nope, this was a $20 million, two-hour plus epic that helped signal one of the final death throws of disco. It's a sort-of true story of Village People's rise to fame - meaning that Eminem totally stole the idea for 8 Mile from the guy who dressed up as a construction worker. A struggling songwriter teams up with his roommate and lawyer to create a supergroup of six "macho men" and thus, history is made. The obvious is lost on all of them.
Fun Fact 1: On the red carpet of the premiere, where everyone is set to enthuse about their film, writer/producer Alan Carr instead simply told reporters, "Be kind."
Fun Fact 2: Bruce Jenner turned down the role of Superman so he could appear in this film. Since Valerie Perrine was in both Superman and this film, she became the first of many people who would mock Jenner for the rest of his natural born life.
Fun Fact 3: Earned only $2 million at the box office. Do the math, it earned one-tenth of what producers spent on it, making it one of the costliest bombs in history.
Fun Fact 4: In 1980, this film appeared on a double-bill with Xanadu, causing one audience member to invent the Golden Raspberry Award (RAZZIE). Can't Stop the Music won its first award for Worst Picture. The rest of the audience present at that screening merely killed themselves.
Fun Fact 5: Olivia Newton-John was originally set to play the part that would eventually go to Valerie Perrine in this film. She chose to do Xanadu instead, meaning that in 1980 she could run, but she couldn't hide from shit disco musicals.
Fun Fact 6: Nancy Walker is not known for her directing efforts. Instead, she is primarily known for her acting roles, including famous roles on Rhoda and MacMillon and Wife. She is perhaps most famous for being the spokesperson for Bounty paper towels. Yes, this film is directed by the "quicker picker upper" lady.

The Director David Schmoeller (Puppet Master, Tourist Trap)
The Stars Klaus Kinski (Aguirre the Wrath of God, Nosferatu, Once Upon a Time in the West), Talia Balsam (The Kindred, Mad Men), Barbara Whinnery (St. Elsewhere), Carole Francis (Fingers), Tane McClure (Midnight Tease II, Legally Blonde 1-2), Sally Brown, Jack Heller, David Abbott
The Plot In this take-off on Peeping Tom produced by Charles Band's Empire Pictures, Kinski plays Dr. Carl Gunther. The not-so-good doctor is the son of a Nazi surgeon who abused him and naturally gave him a rotten idea of human beings in general. Today, Dr. Gunther runs an apartment for women. He has two pastimes - playing Russian Roulette and spying on his female tenants from his crawlspace. He tracks each one of his tenants down, captures them and eventually kills them until only one woman remains to bring the fight back to her landlord.
Fun Fact: The notoriously eccentric and behaviorally challenged Kinski was such a nightmare on set for David Schmoeller, that it inspired Schmoeller to release the documentary short, Please Kill Mr. Kinski. Kinski is dead now, no word on whether Schmoeller's voodoo doll was to blame.

The Director Stephen Herek (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Mighty Ducks, Mr. Holland's Opus)
The Stars Dee Wallace Stone (The Howling, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Cujo), M. Emmet Walsh (The Jerk, Blood Simple, Fletch), Billy Green Bush (Five Easy Pieces, Electra Glide In Blue, The Hitcher), Scott Grimes (Party of Five, Band of Brothers, ER), Nadine Van Der Velde (Moving Violations, Munchies, After Midnight), Don Opper (Android, City Limits, Black Moon Rising), Billy Zane (Demon Knight, Titanic, BloodRayne), Ethan Phillips (Star Trek: Voyager), Terrence Mann (Solarbabies, The Dresden Files), Lin Shaye
The Plot A group of kill-crazy, porcupine-like creatures escapes from a prison asteroid and crash lands in a rural town on planet Earth. They are followed by two trigger happy and mentally challenged alien bounty hunters, one of whom assumes the identity of a Neandethal-looking glam rocker. The bounty hunters, the town drunk and a farming family help save the day from the bloodthirty porcupines. This proves once and for all that nothing can stifle the salt of the earth - not the economy, not terrorists and not bloodthirsty plush dolls. U.S.A.!
Fun Fact 1: Don Opper is the only cast member to appear as a main character in all four Critters films. Terrence Mann appears in all the films, but in the last two, his part is seen as a cameo.
Fun Fact 2: Attention, Trekkers. You may not recognize Ethan Phillips without the makeup, but he played Neelix on Star Trek: Voyager.
Fun Fact 3: Nadine Van Der Velde now writes for childrens programming like Rolie Polie Olie and Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends.
Fun Fact 4: Scott Grimes now does the voice of awkward son Steve on American Dad.

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985)
The Director Simon Wincer (Lonesome Dove, Free Willy, The Phantom)
The Stars Barret Oliver (Cocoon, Frankenweenie), Mary Beth Hurt (Interiors, The World According to Garp, The Dead Girl), Michael McKean (This Is Spinal Tap, Clue), Kathryn Walker (Slap Shot, Neighbors), Colleen Camp (Ebony Ivory and Jade, Game of Death, Lethal Weapon 2), Josef Sommer (Witness, Absence of Malice), Danny Corkill
The Plot A suburban family adopts a little boy who seems downright perfect. He's smart, polite and never makes mistakes. But when people come looking for the kid, the truth becomes known. Daryl isn't an ordinary little boy but a robot made to look and act like the perfect child - sort of like Haley Joel Osment in that Speilberg film, but without all the moping. The film somehow ends up with Daryl going Mach 7 in a fighter jet he stole from his handlers and wraps up nicely in about an hour less than that previously mentioned Speilberg film. Then again, the Speilberg film had Ministry.
Fun Fact 1: D.A.R.Y.L. stands for Data Analysing Robot Youth Lifeform
Fun Fact 2: Colleen Camp is known for showing up in many mainstream films and has played more cops than any other actress. It's often overlooked that most of her filmography, particularly in the early days was made up of exploitation films like The Swinging Cheerleaders, Ebony Ivory and Jade and Valley Girl.

The Director Adam Rifkin (The Chase, Detroit Rock City, Night At the Golden Eagle)
The Stars Judd Nelson, Bill Paxton, Wayne Newton, Lara Flynn Boyle, James Caan, Rob Lowe, King Moody, Claudia Christian (Babylon 5, Hexed, Maniac Cop 2), Danny Dayton (Guys and Dolls)
The Plot Marty Malt (Judd Nelson) is one of the most awkward and horrible stand-up comics there is, supported only by his friend, Gus (Bill Paxton). Malt's fortunes begin to change however as he begins to grow a third arm out of his back. Suddenly, Malt is a huge hit. His stand-up still stinks but everyone loves a freak show.
Fun Fact 1: Director Adam Rifkin designed the movie poster for Encino Man. Years later, he would do his own caveman comedy, Homo Erectus. Ringo Starr put a fatwa out for Rifkin, claiming he stole his thunder.
Fun Fact 2: Adam Rifkin wrote the script for the recent Planet of the Apes redo. Due to studio shakeups, Rifkin's script was tossed just before pre-production was to begin. The film came out years later under the direction of Tim Burton, but it bears almost no similarity to Rifkin's draft. Still...

The Director Jules Bass
The Stars Tallulah Bankhead (Lifeboat), Victor Borge, Patty Duke (Valley of the Dolls, The Patty Duke Show), Jack Gifford (Save the Tiger, Enter Laughing), Hayley Mills (The Parent Trap), Boris Karloff, Burl Ives, Margaret Hamilton (The Wizard of Oz), Sessue Hayakawa (The Bridge On the River Kwai), Paul O'Keefe, Cyril Ritchard (Peter Pan), Ray Bolger
The Plot A young Hans Christian Anderson, or "Chris" in this film, tries to survive in his day to day life. When he sleeps, he is transported by the Sandman (Cyril Ritchard) to a magical world where he sees the stories he would later bring to life. Characters showing up in the film include Thumbelina (Patty Duke), the Little Mermaid (Hayley Mills), the Ugly Duckling and so on. This is a feature-length film from the Rankin-Bass studio that created such holiday classics as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the fantasy sequences are done in much the same style. Burl Ives does not appear, since they wouldn't pay him in Scotch.
Fun Fact 1: Victor Borge, while not known for many of his cinematic output, is known for being one of the world's most famous pianists. He further set himself apart from the pack by creating a brilliant slapstick performance around his musical skills. Reading the screenplay was difficult for Borge due to a nervous page turner.
Fun Fact 2: Tallulah Bankhead had one of the most interesting careers in film history, due mainly to her refusal to play by the rules (she refused a session on John Barrymore's casting couch, she clashed with filmmakers, she refused to change her behavior to suit studio models, etc.). Hence, there are often large gaps in between her cinematic endeavors. There were no films betwen 1919 and 1928, nor 1932 and 1944, nor 1945 and 1965. In these gaps, she did a little television but focused mainly on the stage, where she became a treasured performer. The Daydreamer was her last film.

The Director Robert Altman
The Stars Tom Laughlin (Born Losers, Billy Jack, The Master Gunfighter), Peter Miller, Richard Bakalyan, Rosemary Howard, Helen Hawley
The Plot What we have here is one of the many films that was inspired by the runaway hit from the 1950s, The Blackboard Jungle. This juvenile delinquent, or JV film, involves two young lovers, Scotty and Janice. The two are torn apart by Janice's parents. The boy joins up with a gang of street hoods. Although things start out harmless, they quickly spin out of control and threaten to corrupt not only Scotty but Janice as well.
Fun Fact: This was the first film from legendary director Robert Altman. Alfred Hitchcock was reportedly so impressed with the film that he tapped Altman to direct a few episodes of his Alfred Hitchcock Presents television series. This started Altman on a steady path of creating some of the most critically acclaimed television of the day, and eventually becoming one of the most fiercely independent directors of all time.
Fun Fact 2: McLaughlin is most famous for the Billy Jack movies. The films featured a pacifist hero who tried to make his way through the world in peace, but was often put upon by nasty land barons and corrupt law enforcement who liked to beat up hippie members of a Freedom School. The films had more and more pacifistic messages as the films went on. Hence, in the first film, he shoots someone in the head but in the last only gets into a couple minor brawls. This is a philosophy McLaughlin takes in his business endeavors. He has made a number of unsuccessful runs for the presidency of the United States.

The Director Corey Yuen (Yes Madam, My Father Is a Hero, The Transporter)
The Stars Jamie Pressley (My Name Is Earl, Not Another Teen Movie, Torque), Devon Aoki (Sin City, 2 Fast 2 Furious, D.E.B.S.), Holly Valance, Sarah Carter, Natassia Malthe (Elektra, Skinwalkers, BloodRayne II: Deliverance), Kane Kosugi, Eric Roberts (Star 80, Runaway Train, The Dark Knight), Matthew Marsden, Steve Howey, Kevin Nash, Brian J. White, Collin Chou (The Matrix 2-3, The Forbidden Kingdom)
The Plot A group of talented martial artists, each with something different to prove, competes in an exclusive tournament at an isolated island fortress. Soon, the main contenders realize that the tournament is a ruse by their tournament master (Eric Roberts who is so hilariously Eric Roberts that he's the most hilarious Eric Roberts around). The master seeks to sap their powers and become an unstoppable force. This is based on a video game that 15% of people play for fighting skills and 80% play to watch CGI anime chicks with big tits bounce around (the other 5% are just stoned).
Fun Fact: Cost $21 million to make, but only took in $480,000 domestically. Opened in 17th place at the box office and reportedly earned less than a niche Hindi film, Jhoom Barabar Jhoom which opened the same weekend.

DUNE (1984)
The Director David Lynch (Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive)
The Stars Kyle MacLachlan, Francesca Annis, Sting, Max Von Sydow, Jose Ferrer, Linda Hunt (The Year of Living Dangerously, Silverado), Freddie Jones (Krull, Firestarter, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed), Everett McGill (Silver Bullet, Twin Peaks), Kenneth McMillan, Jack Nance (Eraserhead, Blue Velvet), Jurgen Prochnow (Das Boot, Beverly Hills Cop II, The English Patient), Sean Young (Blade Runner, No Way Out), Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap, Married to the Mob, Sons and Lovers), Paul L. Smith (Red Sonja, Pieces), Patrick Stewart, Alicia Witt (Cecil B. Demented, Four Rooms, Fun)
The Plot David Lynch's adaptation of Frank Herbert's sprawling sci-fi epic. Paul Atreides travels to the arid planet Arakis as his father's House takes control of the most precious substance in the universe, the Spice Melange. The mechanical and evil Harkonnen invade and take control of spice production on Arakis. Believing all the Atreides dead, Paul and his mother have instead found refuge in the desert with the religious warrior natives of Arakis. Paul quickly ascends in their ranks and becomes a prophesied warrior messiah. This was Lynch's first and only big budget film. He recently got back in the game with Mulholland Drive, a film that is claimed to be completely understood and embraced by a batch of complete fucking liars.
Fun Fact 1: At $45 million in 1984 dollars, this was one of the most expensive productions in Hollywood history up to that point. The film took ten months to shoot.
Fun Fact 2: Numerous filmmakers were previously optioned to direct a feature version of Dune, including Ridley Scott, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Salvador Dali and Jack Nicholson.

The Director Courtney Solomon (An American Haunting)
The Stars Justin Whalin (Child's Play 3, Serial Mom, Lois & Clark: the New Adventures of Superman), Jeremy Irons, Thora Birch (American Beauty, Ghost World, Patriot Games), Marlon Wayans, Bruce Payne, Robert Milano, Zoe McClellan (JAG, Dirty Sexy Money, Inventing the Abbots)
The Plot From the IMDB: "Emperess Savina Rules over the magical empire Izmer. The young thieves Ridley and Snails get involved with her quest to find the legendary Scepter of Savrille. With this most desirable magical wand she could have the power to rule over the Red Dragons and she would then be able to provide freedom and equality amongst all people. Ridley and Snails are closely followed by Damodar, the cruel assistant of Profion who is longing for the power of the Scepter. Profion wants to get into battle with the Emperess. Whenever Profion would get his hands on the Scepter, the whole empire would then forever live in darkness. The future depends on the braveness of Ridley and Snails..." Basically, you can't figure out the plot with a saving throw, folks.
Fun Fact 1: Courtney Solomon bought the film rights to the TSR role-playing game when he was just 19 years old. He spent ten years trying to get this film made.
Fun Fact 2: Courtney Solomon now runs After Dark Films, an independent film distributor that specializes in horror films. They are best known for the annual Horrorfest, or 8 Films to Die For festival that makes its way in several theatres across the country.

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